Author: itsgaby0024

As a mom of five, taking care of someone comes natural to me, kind of like second nature. I know what my kids need even before they say what they need from me. I know what they are going to ask for even before they ask for it, it’s like I can read their mind. I know how to take care of them, I know what’s expected from me, i know what needs to be done. I know that as a wife, I know what needs to be done, I know the expectations. I have this whole routine down, taking care of the house, our kids, my husband, laundry, bills, grocery shopping, cooking, keeping everyone alive, making our daily chaos work smoothly every day. I know what days I have to do laundry so it doesnt pile up like Mount Everest, I know when grocery shopping is done so we don’t starve, I know when to pay our light bill so we don’t get it cut off and we have to bust out our candles and live like the 1800’s. I know all of this, I know what gets done everyday, what gets payed, all of this I know how to do in my sleep. But taking care of my husband, in this season of him recovering from major surgery, I don’t know how to do this. This is a whole new playing field for me. Im someone who thrives in routine, in doing the same thing every single day, because it’s what works for me. I thrive in knowing that he gets to leave for work as early as 6 and coming home past 8 sometimes, because that lets me do my own thing, it lets me get the things done in peace. He’s someone whos worked long hours sometimes weekends included. But taking care of him, I don’t know how to do it. Mainly because im someone who needs to get crap done at the same time every single day, like I said I thrive in a schedule. Him getting this surgery, was needed, and it honestly changed me as a person. Im someone who is very short on words a lot of the time, and I don’t share emotions and feelings to anyone other then my husband, and that still depends sometimes. Being in a hospital for over three weeks, not knowing how bad things were at the time, and then having to sit down for every update, it changes people. We knew that it was going to take him 6 months to fully recover, but I don’t think I expected him to just lay there. Literally that’s all he does. And I don’t know how to deal with that because he’s always been the one to help clean or cook, or change a diaper, or to dress someone, to take them out to play, and now all he does is lay down. Maybe that’s all his body can take at the moment but im not used to it. I don’t know how to help him, I don’t know how to make him snap out of it. It’s sleep, eat, watch phone, repeat. Even though I don’t know what’s going on with him mentally because he’s a closed book, I feel like im drowning. Drowning in exhaustion, fatigue, insomnia, depression, anger, resentment, regret, anxiety, and worry. I guess this post is about all of these feelings im having against him, even though I know perfectly well it isn’t his fault. But I can’t help but feel this way. For not getting checked out sooner because then we wouldn’t be in this situation. For not getting a second opinion because maybe then we would be doing all the things we had planned for the summer. For not getting better by now. For leaving be alone for three weeks, for having to decide on life or death matters. For not taking in consideration my feelings and emotions. For not asking me to take a moment to breath. For not telling me to stop cleaning for once. For not caring, for not seeing how I look, because how I look daily is exactly how I feel on the inside or worst. I hate that you don’t try to get better, I hate that you have added so much more on my plate. I hate that I have to do everything on my own because I feel bad for even asking for help. I hate that you love the pitty party, the pitty visits, the pitty attention. You love sharing how you almost died (which you never actually did), I hate how you say how you were brain dead (which you never were), I hate how you love to say you were placed in a medically induced coma (which never happened), but the more dramatic you can be the better in your opinion. Im angry that everyone is worried about you, that they can say “poor you”, because it makes me feel invisible, including you. Im angry that I have to deal with you and your emotions and your comments alone. Im angry that this situation has made me more angry, irritable, unhappy, and just pissed off at life. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like this is going to be forever. I don’t see you ever getting better, going back to work, getting you life back how it was. I have so much crap and anxiety about everything that I cant even have hope for a better future for you or me. I know im not suppose to hate you because your the one that went through the surgery and everything else live has thrown at you at the moment, but I feel like I can’t even breath around you. I think I finally realize what it means to say “in sickness and in health”. When you have health, there isn’t anything in the world that can break you. But in sickness and in the recovery period, a simple dirty sink can break you. It can make you want to break every dam plate and cup, and set the whole dam house on fire because you literally can’t stand to wash another dam plate after just finishing washing every dam plate possible. But of course, you forgot the one stupid plate. Because it isn’t the dish that set you off, its the fact that you had to make dinner for everyone, which someone still complained and cried and threw a fit over the dinner selection, and still had to clean up after dinner. Dried the dishes and put them away. cleaned the kitchen exactly how you love to leave it, wiped every counter off and the table too. But yet nobody says thank you. But they have the audacity to put a dirty plate in the sink. And when you finally loose your marbles and loose your mind on them, all of a sudden nobody knows why your so angry, they just assume your on your period and have officially lost your mind. Which we all know why you really know why you lost your shit, except them. As im done with my rant of the day, I completely forgot the main point of my post, but I think it had to do something with “taking care of your partner is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to deal with.” it’ll really test you, and theres nothing wrong in wanting to steal something from Walmart, in hopes that they’ll arrest you and keep you for 48 hours because that sounds like the same thing as a vacation.

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